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There's No Right Way to Grieve

24/2/2012

4 Comments

 
This week, a friend died. I wasn't her closest friend but I cared about her, we lived in the same neighbourhood and I had known her for years. As is the way these days, I found out the news on Facebook. My grief can't compare to her family's loss. Her young children will now grow up without their mother.

It doesn't matter how many times you are affected by death, it's always a shock and there's no right thing to do. Grief is a natural response and there have been five stages of grief identified:

1.    Denial: "This can’t be happening to me."
2.    Anger: "Why is this happening? Who is to blame?"
3.    Bargaining: "Make this not happen, and in return I will ____."
4.    Depression: "I’m too sad to do anything."
5.    Acceptance: "I’m at peace with what happened."

There's no guidebook on how to help someone grieving but showing you care is important. Flowers help some people but searching for a vase and then watching something wilt and fade away seems almost cruel at this time.

Should you visit? Should you call? You'll know what's right but a card can be a way to show you know and can offer help, if needed.

Looking after those left behind is important so food and childcare are going to be needed. cookfood.net vouchers can help so the family don't have to think about food shopping and preparing meals in the near future. And after the funeral the family's situation will not change. When everyone thinks they will want to be left alone, those who've experienced something similar say that's not true and they'll need their friends more than ever.

I remember a friend at school not crying at her mother's funeral. She and her dad asked for no-one to come to their house after and we made secret arrangements to meet at my house with other school friends as I lived opposite. No-one cried that afternoon. Dad had fun indulging his daughter, dressing up and being silly in the garden. And no-one felt ashamed for laughing on such a sombre day as it helped them get through a terrible time.

If you are grieving don't suffer alone. There are many support agencies to help. The Bereavement Trust is available every day and the NHS website has some excellent advice, both practical and supportive.
4 Comments
Claire Cross
23/2/2012 07:55:01 pm

Thanks for this Laura, I cried quite a lot when I heard about Claire, it brought all the feelings of my mum's death right back to the surface, she died in July. I'm not sure which stage I'm at, the beginning was odd, like I was a robot, going through the motions. Having children helped me take my mind off it but I'm not sure that's such a good thing. It's very important to me to be open about it, so thanks again for allowing a discussion x

Reply
OIK Editor link
23/2/2012 10:46:08 pm

Thanks Claire. You've done brilliantly since the loss of your mum last year. We should never be ashamed or worried to talk about grief. It affects us all at some point.

Reply
Chief OIK Executive
24/2/2012 08:30:05 pm

Some people have commented to me that this week's blog was not the most light-hearted thing to write about on a Friday. Well, to use a John Lennon phrase "Life is what happens when you are planning something else" and the loss of life and the consequential grief happens even on a Friday or at weekends!
It was so right for the OIK Editor to write about the sad loss of a friend and I echo whole-heartedly the words of Claire in her comment "It's very important to me to be open about it, so thanks again for allowing a discussion".

To all of us who have grieved and to all of us who are grieving now, remember we are not alone and there is a world full of wonderfully kind people who will always lend us their ears.

Warmest regards,
Chief Executive OIK (CEO) on behalf of all of us at OIK Strategy Ltd

Reply
OIK Editor link
25/2/2012 04:10:17 am

Thank you for that; really nicely put. We'll go back to the fun stuff next week but it's good to know we can all be open about the good times and the bad.

Reply



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